I begin this post with a little self-confession. Most of the things I'm posting about as bad business decisions, I've done. That's why I know they were mistakes. Buzzwords, one of the things I most loathe in business, are unfortunately a regular part of my work vernacular. It's hard to avoid using them, especially when the person you are talking to will best understand you if you use buzzwords. That said, let's deep-dive into the core values of this holistically written blog post meant to relay a true game-changing initiative. Bah.
Buzzwords 101 is for buzzword novices. This will teach you how to decipher what a Buzzer is saying to you and how to make them sound like an ass.
First, let's define buzzwords. A buzzword is either a word that does appear in the English language whose definition has been stretched or completely misinterpreted and used in a context for business that doesn't really make sense; or a completely made up word that often tries to fuse two words into one.
Second, let's define Buzzers. Buzzers are people who overuse buzzwords in work conversations to make them appear smarter. They attempt to confuse you and put you on a level beneath their own, and hope to sound "innovative", "forward-thinking", and "creative".
Today, we'll focus on some examples of the first definition of buzzwords. Read the following phrases and see if you can interpret them.
1. "I need a numeric, metered, graphic representation of deliverables."
2. "Can you make this a regular fixture in your Monday work allotment?"
3. "I need to interface with you offline. I'll ping you when I have the bandwidth post meeting about repurposing some material."
4. "I have an ask. There’s been a disconnect, so let’s deep-dive, be proactive and circle back to add texture to the situation, establish a best-practice and value-add to better leverage and interface this bleeding-edge game-changer and make it more impactful!"
5. "Good! Lets proactively circle back and leverage our lunch hour face time collaboration metrics holistically. Best practice core competencies and globalization infrastructure are in the pipeline."
OK, here's what these phrases mean in actual English:
1. I need a chart.
2. Could you do this every Monday?
3. I'll call you when I get a chance after the meeting to go over my changes with you.
4. I'm not sure I understand what you need. Can we talk about the details so that we can get this right?
5. Good! Let's have a lunch meeting to go over our processes and what the future holds.
To a non-Buzzer, these phrases can be overwhelming. At first, you might feel stupid because you can't figure out what they are saying. You don't want to ask, because that would only flaunt your stupidity to the Buzzer. This would mean you aren't "forward-thinking".
Yes, forward-thinking is a buzzword, though not nearly as bad as others you'll hear.
When faced with an indecipherable phrase from a Buzzer, you can only do one of two things- join them, or make fun of them.
Once you've learned the buzzwords and the Buzzer lifestyle, it's much easier to out-buzz them, or better yet, repeat what they said in plain English with a slightly snarky tone. For example, in response to the first phrase I shared with you...
Buzzer: "I need a numeric, metered, graphic representation of deliverables."
Non-Buzzer: "OK...So you need a chart?" (said with smirk)
Buzzer: "Well...yes. But it really needs to represent the deliverables in a metered, graphical way, with all the right tonality."
Non-Buzzer: "OK. Send me the numbers and I'll build you a CHART." (again, said with smirk)
On that note, tonality. Tonality means either a musical tone or a color scheme. Tonality does not refer to tone in speech or writing. Tone in speech or writing refers to the writer or speaker's voice and what it is trying to convey, not tonality. Look it up in the dictionary. So when someone says they want to make sure the tonality is right- they are probably mean the tone, but they'll use tonality, which means color or muscial note, in an attempt to sound super-intelligent.
I'm just saying.
Tune in over the next few days for Buzzwords 201. Advanced linkativity and the ability to grotate to the possimpible are in the pipeline.
By the way, note that all italicized words in the post are not actually real words.
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