Buzzwords 201- Inventing New Words

In our last edition of Buzzword training, we discussed the type of Buzzer that misuses words in order to elevate their status above your own.

Today, we'll discuss a whole new level of Buzzers. These Buzzers set themselves apart as the elite in Buzzing. They make-up words with the goal of sounding incredibly creative and innovative. It's all about "streamlining", being highly efficient and promoting synergies.

Translation: A Buzzer that makes up a new word is combining at least two words in an attempt to be superbly brief, almost to the point of acronym-speak, and sound very creative.

To further demonstrate my theory, I suggest you get a hold of CBS's How I Met Your Mother Season 4.  You're looking for Episode 14, the Possimpible.  I can't find the video online anymore, but Barney's Video Resume summarizes almost everything I might have to say in the lifetime of this blog.  Wikipedia has a short description here.  It's so utterly ridiculous, yet everyday in business, more and more people are making up words that don't mean anything. I'll start with a short list of the top 5 words I've heard in the past year:

1. Grotate- To grow as an employee while you rotate to a new position. This was thrown out during a meeting about a logo design.

2. Learnbounce- Indicating what an individual learns from reading/studying an object. This was thrown out in the same meeting as Grotate was.

3. Deliverables- The goal or task that an individual must complete. This one is so far entrenched in business vocabulary it might actually make its way into Websters, like "ain't" did. I use it all the time (wince), but when I said this word to a high-school student, they just looked at me blankly. What is a deliverable?

4. Edutainment- Something that educates while entertaining. I heard this during an agency presentation. It wasn't a very good presentation, but it sounded Innovative.

5. Heavy(-)up- I've seen this as one word and a linked word. It means to increase. I heard this first used in the same meeting as edutainment.

What strikes me about all of these words is the inability to just say what you mean in a clear, concise way. Do it like Ernest Hemingway and use short, clear sentences. It promotes effective communication.

Then again, these days, rhetoric is sexier than clear speech. For example, look at the presidential race in 2007. This race was marked by its ability to utilize rhetoric over clear stances on issues, and American's ate it up.

It's hard to be sure if businesses are looking for clear speech and "do-er's" in upper management. From what I can tell, it's a pretty mixed bag.  You've got a lot of really worthy people moving to the top, with reputations for being do-er's.  But then you have a lot of people who tend to live out their Buzzer speech in their work. 

At the end of the day remember- to survive the jungle, you have to be quick on your feet with a Buzzer of any level.  Either out-buzz them or politely poke fun at them. 

Buzzwords 101- Misusing Real Words

I begin this post with a little self-confession.  Most of the things I'm posting about as bad business decisions, I've done. That's why I know they were mistakes.  Buzzwords, one of the things I most loathe in business, are unfortunately a regular part of my work vernacular. It's hard to avoid using them, especially when the person you are talking to will best understand you if you use buzzwords. That said, let's deep-dive into the core values of this holistically written blog post meant to relay a true game-changing initiative. Bah.

Buzzwords 101 is for buzzword novices.  This will teach you how to decipher what a Buzzer is saying to you and how to make them sound like an ass.

First, let's define buzzwords. A buzzword is either a word that does appear in the English language whose definition has been stretched or completely misinterpreted and used in a context for business that doesn't really make sense; or a completely made up word that often tries to fuse two words into one. 

Second, let's define Buzzers.  Buzzers are people who overuse buzzwords in work conversations to make them appear smarter. They attempt to confuse you and put you on a level beneath their own, and hope to sound "innovative", "forward-thinking", and "creative".

Today, we'll focus on some examples of the first definition of buzzwords.  Read the following phrases and see if you can interpret them.

1.  "I need a numeric, metered, graphic representation of deliverables."

2.  "Can you make this a regular fixture in your Monday work allotment?"

3.  "I need to interface with you offline. I'll ping you when I have the bandwidth post meeting about repurposing some material."

4.  "I have an ask. There’s been a disconnect, so let’s deep-dive, be proactive and circle back to add texture to the situation, establish a best-practice and value-add to better leverage and interface this bleeding-edge game-changer and make it more impactful!"

5.  "Good! Lets proactively circle back and leverage our lunch hour face time collaboration metrics holistically. Best practice core competencies and globalization infrastructure are in the pipeline."

OK, here's what these phrases mean in actual English:

1.  I need a chart.
2.  Could you do this every Monday?
3.  I'll call you when I get a chance after the meeting to go over my changes with you.
4.  I'm not sure I understand what you need. Can we talk about the details so that we can get this right?
5.  Good! Let's have a lunch meeting to go over our processes and what the future holds.

To a non-Buzzer, these phrases can be overwhelming. At first, you might feel stupid because you can't figure out what they are saying. You don't want to ask, because that would only flaunt your stupidity to the Buzzer.  This would mean you aren't "forward-thinking".

Yes, forward-thinking is a buzzword, though not nearly as bad as others you'll hear.

When faced with an indecipherable phrase from a Buzzer, you can only do one of two things- join them, or make fun of them.

Once you've learned the buzzwords and the Buzzer lifestyle, it's much easier to out-buzz them, or better yet, repeat what they said in plain English with a slightly snarky tone. For example, in response to the first phrase I shared with you...

Buzzer:  "I need a numeric, metered, graphic representation of deliverables."
Non-Buzzer: "OK...So you need a chart?" (said with smirk)
Buzzer: "Well...yes.  But it really needs to represent the deliverables in a metered, graphical way, with all the right tonality."
Non-Buzzer: "OK. Send me the numbers and I'll build you a CHART." (again, said with smirk)

On that note, tonality. Tonality means either a musical tone or a color scheme.  Tonality does not refer to tone in speech or writing.  Tone in speech or writing refers to the writer or speaker's voice and what it is trying to convey, not tonality.  Look it up in the dictionary. So when someone says they want to make sure the tonality is right- they are probably mean the tone, but they'll use tonality, which means color or muscial note, in an attempt to sound super-intelligent.
I'm just saying.

Tune in over the next few days for Buzzwords 201.  Advanced linkativity and the ability to grotate to the possimpible are in the pipeline.

By the way, note that all italicized words in the post are not actually real words.

The Worst Answer to the 5 Years Interview Question

The worst answer you can give to the "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" question (or any time iteration of this same question) is often the truthful one.

Other examples of this same question, phrased differently:

-- What are you goals, short and long term?
-- What do you want to be doing in 10 years?
-- Tell me about your dreams, your plans for yourself.

Etc., yada yada yada, so forth and so on.

There are 3 typical answers to this question, given the current economy.  Which one do you think is the right answer, most likely to land you the job?

1. The Commitment-Phobe Answer
Symptoms: Rents an apartment, preferably with a month-to-month lease. No sign of a steady significant other.  Loves dogs, but probably has a cat because it's less commitment and hassle to care for it. Smart & versatile.
Response:  Wow.  5 years is a long way away.  I can't say 100% what I'll be doing then, because who really knows where life will take you, but if I had to venture a guess, I'd say I'd be moving up in the company I'm at and possibly starting a small side business.

(I, for a large part of my early 20's, really did feel this way. I wasn't ready to commit to the job or the place.)

2.  The Truthful Dreamer Answer
Symptoms: They have realized they can't get a job in their field of choice or city of choice at the moment and are interviewing other places, but just haven't let it go yet.
Response:  I'd love to see myself as a director in a totally different field living in a completely different city from where your company is located.

(I've been here too)

3.  The I Really Want this Job Answer
Symptoms: This guy is a hard read.  Sometimes they really do want that job.  And sometimes it is the perfect match for them, which is why they are so natural and happy in the interview.  But sometimes, it's a person who knows how to interview well.
Response: In 5 years, I'd love to see myself here, growing at this company.  I'd love to take on more responsibility and grow the business.

OK, if you haven't figured it out, you want to use number 3. That's going to get you further in the interviewing process than anything else.  It's not that companies don't care what your long term goals and dreams are for yourself.  They probably want to know as a biotechnology company that your dream is to own a landscaping company because it means you aren't passionate about their product.

The real goal with that question is to see if you are smart enough to play the game.  And yes, when I'm asking you that question, I'm aware I'm not getting the truth all of the time, but I like that you are smart enough to tell me what I want to hear.  Getting ahead often requires you to be able to play the game with a kick-ass game face, so show me you can do it.

When I used to do phone screens for interviews, I always asked them where they wanted to be in 5 years just to see if they would be honest with me or if they could figure out what I wanted to hear. I've been appalled listening to the introduction of  interns to higher ups in companies.  The interns blather about wanting to move to another state and pursue a small business of their own.  Really? Than why intern there?

Appearing Confident > Sounding Smart > Actually Knowing the Answer

When you are sitting in an important meeting and you are called upon to participate with information relevant (or irrelevant really) to the topic and you don't know the answer right then, just know that;

Appearing confident is better than sounding smart and that is better than actually knowing the answer.  

Who knew, right?

The truth is that as a human, most of us are not blessed with photographic memories.  Although as smart business people, we are coming to meetings with what we think will prepare us (sometimes), we know in our guts that inevitably that meeting you are in is going to go off topic. When this happens, we need a moment to look over the billion emails and excel files we have to give the specific, qualified answers.  Albert Einstein is quoted as saying, "Why should I remember anything if I can just look it up?"  The chances are, that tidbit they are asking for isn't always going to be on call in your brain and you aren't always going to have the file you need on hand to answer adequately.  

A few things to remember when you are put on the spot.  First, BE CONFIDENT.  For those of you who aren't sure how to accomplish that when you don't know the answer, here's how:  

1.  Breathe normally, try to be nonchalant.

2.  Sit up straight and be engaged- use your body language.  Lean forward to the table or speaker and remain open- don't cross your arms. 

3.  Be concise.  Nothing shows you don't know what you are talking about more than rambling on without answering the question, and the smart guy in the room is going to notice that.

4.  Try not to insert weird buzz words into your answer.  Speaking directly and clearly demonstrates that you are confident in yourself and your knowledge on the subject.

5.  Choose one of two routes to respond:  The polite I-don't-know-but-will-find-out-ASAP or the I-know-enough-to-BS-a-little.  I've done both, but I think the former is the most honest answer that is accepted with a higher degree of respect.  But sometimes the people in the room want something, so if you feel confident enough you can try the latter.  

Here's a sample of the I-don't-know response:

      I'm not 100% sure on those figures (or whatever they are asking you about), but I know I have some solid numbers to share at my desk.  I can send those through to the team with my analysis as a follow up directly after this meeting or I can run and get them now if that would be helpful. 

Here's a sample of the I-know-enough-to-BS response: 

      Recently we've seen solid performance on Brand X in Q1.  The numbers have been up overall, with some dips in categories y and z, but the more specific analytics I'd need to forward to you are on my desk.  I'll be sure to pass those along as soon as possible. 

When said confidently, either of these responses will buy you the time you need to give a solid, specific answer (now, if you aren't doing your job and you actually don't know, this isn't going to help you all that much.  It will buy you an hour or so, but it won't fix the fact that you didn't do your work).  

The worst thing you can do is scramble and fidget and attempt to fudge your way to an impromptu answer.  And don't use buzzwords.  Although it seems like the trendy thing to do, it's not going to earn you a reputation for communicating clearly.  Does it make sense or sound smart when you use acronyms instead of words or try to achieve the possimpible?

The smartest thing you can do is be honest when you don't know, but speak up and show them that you are confident that you'll have the answers they need quickly.